REG HEDGE – The man with the neatly trimmed bush!
(And other slightly disturbing innuendos!)
Hello, and welcome to my new feature. For those who don’t know me, my name is Reg Hedge, and I am an enthusiast of privet-related activities and events. So why am I writing here, in a (frankly 3rd rate) football-related periodical? Well, to be honest, I need the work. Several years ago, I was the senior manager of a well known publishing company, providing specialist magazines for the food industry – I even secured a sponsorship deal by changing my name by deed poll to ‘Reg Meat-and-Two-Veg’. Sadly, I lost my job due to an unfortunate incident, which I am unable to expand on here due to ongoing litigation. Suffice to say, I was treated very badly by the Poliss. I saw the goat myself a few days later, and he seemed fine to me. But luckily Daley Mayall gave me a break, and here I am readers!
Across at ‘
Unfortunately, I have to advise you that I’m currently in
something of an awkward position. In fact, as I write, I am being held in
custody, on remand following an unsavoury incident at Wetherby Racecourse. You
may be aware that my good friend, Beecher Brooke, owns the licence to maintain
National Hunt race tracks throughout the
Anyhow, trouble does seem to follow me around, because there I am at Wetherby when the Poliss arrive and arrest me for commiting a ‘lewd act’ beneath the third fence from home. I denied it, of course, but we all know how corrupt the Poliss can be, and they ended up with what can only be described as an ‘open-and-shut case’. Anyway, they’ve delayed sentencing because I have asked for 14 other ‘fences to be taken into account.
Well, that’s all for this edition, Hedge fans. Don’t forget you can email me to tell me those witty privet anecdotes, or to ask for advice on planting those hardy perennials!
Oh yeah, almost forgot!.........the editor told me to add ‘City ‘til I die’ somewhere in this column. (Who are City exactly?)
Until next time! – REG.
Report by regular columnist Reg Hedge
Issue 1 February 2002
Well folks, it looks like old Reggie’s become a victim of press censorship. This opening paragraph was going to be a blow-by-blow account of my latest run-in with the Poliss and their anti-stalking laws, but your esteemed editor deemed it too graphic for public consumption, so it hit the cutting room floor and stayed there. You can email me for the sordid details if you want them! Instead, I am pleased to let you know that ‘Hedge-mania’ seems to be sweeping the country, and I have been into the studios this week to cut my greatest hits album (did you use your hedge trimmer to cut it? – Ed.) which is advertised elsewhere in this publication (vinyl only).
It seems Daley Mayall has moved into entertainment promotion, and has fixed me up with a deal at ‘Trim Life’ records. Should be a nice little earner, (Think again, I get 85%! – Ed) so I am prepared to forgive him the afore-mentioned unpleasantness. Should be available at your local car-boot sale shortly.
In between the in-garden action over at ‘
Peter Duffield:- Pete’s been having bush problems. He manages to get a really strong growth going, and a gust of wind keeps coming along and snapping it off. ‘Nuff respect to PD, he keeps coming back and growing a new one.
Terry Dolan:- His decorative shrubs seem to come and go. They start to look quite healthy early in the planting season, but then shrivel up and wilt badly over the winter. Spring brings sufficient improvement to avoid having to dispose of them altogether – just. TD’s been experiencing this problem for the last three years and can’t seem to improve things at all for some reason.
Mark Sertori:- Apparently he used to treat his roses with donkey droppings, and the groundsman is still trying to get rid of the smell.
Douglas Craig:- This man is ‘persona non gratis’ in ornamental gardening circles I’m afraid.
For years he subsidised the cost of maintaining
Anyway, onto other matters and it seems that fate can be a fickle thing. I thought I’d had it up here with the Poliss, but I found out this week that I have been awarded the contract to maintain the shrubbery in the grounds of Fulford Poliss Station. Hmm, just think of all those opportunities to spy on those lovely uniformed poliss ladies from behind a bush – legitimately! Stroke of luck, eh, readers?
Anyway, time for Reg to sign off ‘til next time – since my first column, I’ve been swamped with emails from nice young ladies asking for advice on trimming their bushes (and some other gardening matters). Way-hey! Keep ‘em coming girls!!
Oh yes,….nearly forgot!...The editor told me to add ‘Up the City!’ somewhere in this column.
P.S. Don’t forget to buy my Greatest Hits album with timeless classics such as:
‘Trees Up Mother Brown’
‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Hedge’
‘Green Green Grass Of Home’
‘We Will Rockery You’
and many more..... Available at all reputable record stores…..NOW!
Report by regular
columnist Reg Hedge
Issue 2 April 2002
Everyone getting revved up for the new season, then? Not in
the Hedge household! I’m afraid I’m far too busy worrying about my latest run
in with the Poliss to think about the new season just yet. It’s all the fault
of that miserable twister next door - Paul Wall - who grassed me up on account
of my over-exuberant celebrations following
And it’s not just the Poliss with whom I’ve been in dispute
over the close season, oh no! Showsec Security have blotted their copybook with
me once too often. You see, I rang my good friend Mr. Keith Usher a few weeks
ago, to make arrangements for me to do a display of hedge-trimming at the
Speaking of Mr. Batchelor, it seems that at the time of
writing, he’s having something of a run in with the City of
Yes, you guessed it; the Green Party. Finally, I must inform
you that for this new football season, I have undergone a re-branding. From now
on I shall be known as ‘Reghedge’ (no space thank you; very passe), to increase
my marketing potential in the
P.S. Holy Bush Fires, nearly forgot! The Editor asked me to insert: “Good Luck for 2002/03, City!” somewhere on the page so here it is: “Good Luck for 2002/03, City!” Damn, that’s twice I’ve put it in!Report by regular columnist Reg Hedge