The York City Fanzine

REG HEDGE – The man with the neatly trimmed bush!
(And other slightly disturbing innuendos!)

Hello, and welcome to my new feature. For those who don’t know me, my name is Reg Hedge, and I am an enthusiast of privet-related activities and events. So why am I writing here, in a (frankly 3rd rate) football-related periodical? Well, to be honest, I need the work. Several years ago, I was the senior manager of a well known publishing company, providing specialist magazines for the food industry – I even secured a sponsorship deal by changing my name by deed poll to ‘Reg Meat-and-Two-Veg’. Sadly, I lost my job due to an unfortunate incident, which I am unable to expand on here due to ongoing litigation. Suffice to say, I was treated very badly by the Poliss. I saw the goat myself a few days later, and he seemed fine to me. But luckily Daley Mayall gave me a break, and here I am readers!

Across at ‘Hedge Towers’ this week, I have made a major decision. I am selling my pride and joy – myhedge. It’s no longer commercially viable, so whoever wants it can purchase it for a knock-down price, as long as they make me ‘certain assurances’. Oh, and I forgot to say I will be evicting the hedge from my garden by the summer (I want to build a granny flat on the land; make me a nice few bob will that). A few of the neighbours are forming some kind of Trust to buy and maintain the hedge, but between you and me, they’re wasting there time. Hey ho. Of course, they COULD buy my house and the hedge together, but I’m gonna want damn good money. I can’t lose either way, eh readers?

Unfortunately, I have to advise you that I’m currently in something of an awkward position. In fact, as I write, I am being held in custody, on remand following an unsavoury incident at Wetherby Racecourse. You may be aware that my good friend, Beecher Brooke, owns the licence to maintain National Hunt race tracks throughout the UK. He felt that my considerable experience with hedgerows would be very useful, and employed me (cash in hand.shhh!) to maintain and trim all of the fences to a suitably high standard.

Anyhow, trouble does seem to follow me around, because there I am at Wetherby when the Poliss arrive and arrest me for commiting a ‘lewd act’ beneath the third fence from home. I denied it, of course, but we all know how corrupt the Poliss can be, and they ended up with what can only be described as an ‘open-and-shut case’. Anyway, they’ve delayed sentencing because I have asked for 14 other ‘fences to be taken into account.

Well, that’s all for this edition, Hedge fans. Don’t forget you can email me to tell me those witty privet anecdotes, or to ask for advice on planting those hardy perennials!

Oh yeah, almost forgot!.........the editor told me to add ‘City ‘til I die’ somewhere in this column. (Who are City exactly?)

Until next time! – REG.

Report by regular columnist Reg Hedge
Issue 1 February 2002

Well folks, it looks like old Reggie’s become a victim of press censorship. This opening paragraph was going to be a blow-by-blow account of my latest run-in with the Poliss and their anti-stalking laws, but your esteemed editor deemed it too graphic for public consumption, so it hit the cutting room floor and stayed there. You can email me for the sordid details if you want them! Instead, I am pleased to let you know that ‘Hedge-mania’ seems to be sweeping the country, and I have been into the studios this week to cut my greatest hits album (did you use your hedge trimmer to cut it? – Ed.) which is advertised elsewhere in this publication (vinyl only).

It seems Daley Mayall has moved into entertainment promotion, and has fixed me up with a deal at ‘Trim Life’ records. Should be a nice little earner, (Think again, I get 85%! – Ed) so I am prepared to forgive him the afore-mentioned unpleasantness. Should be available at your local car-boot sale shortly.

In between the in-garden action over at Hedge Towers this week (mainly secateur based at present). I’ve been making the most of my spare time to do some research into the shrubbery-styles of the rich and famous, and where better to start than our very own Bootham crescent? (I must say, the steady decline in privet screening around the place has caused me concern for many years, although they never answer my letters on this subject). Anyway, I managed to catch up with some familiar faces, and these are my findings:-

Peter Duffield:- Pete’s been having bush problems. He manages to get a really strong growth going, and a gust of wind keeps coming along and snapping it off. ‘Nuff respect to PD, he keeps coming back and growing a new one.

Terry Dolan:- His decorative shrubs seem to come and go. They start to look quite healthy early in the planting season, but then shrivel up and wilt badly over the winter. Spring brings sufficient improvement to avoid having to dispose of them altogether – just. TD’s been experiencing this problem for the last three years and can’t seem to improve things at all for some reason.

Mark Sertori:- Apparently he used to treat his roses  with donkey droppings, and the groundsman is still trying to get rid of the smell.

Douglas Craig:- This man is ‘persona non gratis’ in ornamental gardening circles I’m afraid. For years he subsidised the cost of maintaining York City’s prize shrub collection by selling some of the young saplings. Now they’ve become less sought after, it seems he’s happy to offload the shrubs at a ridiculously inflated price, and pocket the cash.

Anyway, onto other matters and it seems that fate can be a fickle thing. I thought I’d had it up here with the Poliss, but I found out this week that I have been awarded the contract to maintain the shrubbery in the grounds of Fulford Poliss Station. Hmm, just think of all those opportunities to spy on those lovely uniformed poliss ladies from behind a bush – legitimately! Stroke of luck, eh, readers?

Anyway, time for Reg to sign off ‘til next time – since my first column, I’ve been swamped with emails from nice young ladies asking for advice on trimming their bushes (and some other gardening matters). Way-hey! Keep ‘em coming girls!!

Oh yes,….nearly forgot!...The editor told me to add ‘Up the City!’ somewhere in this column.

P.S. Don’t forget to buy my Greatest Hits album with timeless classics such as:
‘Trees Up Mother Brown’
‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Hedge’
‘Privet Dancer’
‘Green Green Grass Of Home’
‘We Will Rockery You’
and many more..... Available at all reputable record stores…..NOW!

Report by regular columnist Reg Hedge
Issue 2 April 2002

Everyone getting revved up for the new season, then? Not in the Hedge household! I’m afraid I’m far too busy worrying about my latest run in with the Poliss to think about the new season just yet. It’s all the fault of that miserable twister next door - Paul Wall - who grassed me up on account of my over-exuberant celebrations following England’s victory over Argentina. Nasty piece of work he is; obsessed with bricks and mortar, in between getting injunctions against my 45 foot high Leylandii Hedge. Anyway, the Poliss turned over ‘Hedge Towers’ last Wednesday, and took away certain,....ahem,.....exhibits, in plastic sacks. Anyway, I’m now on bail, awaiting the results of forensic tests on the goldfish and the carton of cottage cheese. Looks like this might be my last column for a while........(Is that an admission of guilt, Reg? - Ed)

And it’s not just the Poliss with whom I’ve been in dispute over the close season, oh no! Showsec Security have blotted their copybook with me once too often. You see, I rang my good friend Mr. Keith Usher a few weeks ago, to make arrangements for me to do a display of hedge-trimming at the forthcoming York City ‘Open Day’. Anyway, it seems ‘Special K’, (as he likes me to call him) has been promoted, and is now too important to deal with me, and so I was put onto some jobsworth from Showsec, who are apparently lined up to “bounce” the event, as they call it in the trade. The muppet advised me in no uncertain terms that I would not be allowed access with my shears, as they constituted an offensive weapon. Cheeky sod! I jumped straight into the Hedgemobile, and went down to Bootham Crescent to have it out with him, armed with the shears in question. As luck would have it though, I bumped into John Batchelor in the car park, (Not with your Hedgemobile I hope! - Ed) who calmed me down and assured me that my part in the day was still guaranteed. He even delayed the event for a few weeks to a more convenient time for me! So I’ll see you all at the new venue, the McCain Stadium on Sept.1st (John seemed very certain that was where it was taking place anyway).

Speaking of Mr. Batchelor, it seems that at the time of writing, he’s having something of a run in with the City of York Council over the new ground. Huh, - Councillors, Social Workers, RSPCA Officers, Poliss - they are all the same if you ask me; bloody pen-pushing civil servants. Anyway, JB’s got himself so hot under the collar that he’s threatening to get his own people to stand for election to the council if things don’t go his way. Now I would be WELL up for that gig! Highways and Bye-ways? It’ll be Hedgies and Veggies when I’m in the corridors of power, folks. And what party will I be standing for?

Yes, you guessed it; the Green Party. Finally, I must inform you that for this new football season, I have undergone a re-branding. From now on I shall be known as ‘Reghedge’ (no space thank you; very passe), to increase my marketing potential in the USA. I will also be sporting my newly designed Y-front based kit. But unlike York City, mine won’t be so much Red & White as Grey and Brown if you catch my drift. And their black and white checkering is more a case of ‘pebbledashing’ on mine. I think you get the picture. Okay Hedge fans, keep your bushes trimmed, and see you next time. (Hopefully!)   REG

P.S. Holy Bush Fires, nearly forgot! The Editor asked me to insert: “Good Luck for 2002/03, City!” somewhere on the page so here it is: “Good Luck for 2002/03, City!” Damn, that’s twice I’ve put it in!

Report by regular columnist Reg Hedge
Issue 3 August 2002